God's Acrobat

Kitty's posting about this journal project being here a month made me realize that I've been here just under a month. In some ways, I still feel like I'm in that church, seeing Ororo and Jean for the first time, and in other ways I feel like I've always been here, am meant to be here with you.

When I travelled, I always kept a paper journal, and wrote in it every night, before bed. Somehow, I get so wrapped up in the events of the mansion that I forget to use this. I need it though, to reflect on what's happening, inside of me and around me. Lately I've been thinking that the changes taking place inside are as radical as the change of scenery.

This week was crazy, I started meeting with the circus groups to introduce them to their equipment, or their act, and just talk to them about their acts. Next week we start for real. Ororo, you'll be my first real student when we meet on Monday. Besides meeting with the different teams, we've started sparring in Logan's combat class. I've been partnering with Ororo, and it takes all of my focus just to defend, and occasionally go on the offensive. Combat has become a great way to get rid of excess nerves and forget everything else weighing you down. I'm feeling a few of the moves she pulled on me this afternoon right now...

As much time as I've spent with the group, in classes, at meals, and just hanging out, I've also spent a lot of time reading on the roof. Sometimes I just need to escape from the group. I've thought about testing the range of my teleporting, but I didn't want to mess up and end up stranded in Virginia or something with no way to contact the Mansion, and no one knowing where I was. And though I've only been here a few weeks, I would hate to lose you...even if I do need to escape every now and then.

The clothes Ororo and I ordered from the catalogues arrived Wednesday, so I finally have *real* clothes. It's a relief I assure you.

I'm so glad it's the weekend now, my entire body is wilting in relief. When I wake up tomorrow, I'm going running after morning prayer, and then I'm free all day to relax with all of you or have an adventure with you, which ever seems appropriate. If you want to make plans, leave a note.

I didn't sleep well last night, I kept thinking about the mission, and the aftermath.

With that in mind, I woke up early and went for a run around the grounds, before going to mass. I noticed yesterday that the church here has 7am and 5:15pm daily mass, so I decided to spend some time in reflection. And after mass, I asked Fr. Benedict if he would hear my confession, and he really helped me with some issues on my mind. I didn't want to be late for Ororo's class, so I teleported back to the mansion to grab a bite to eat before class. I've been trying to catch up on everything they've read this year, as well as do some reading on my own. Everytime I start a new book, or go to borrow them, I'm surprised by the diversity of topics. So much humanity, and people rising above themselves. I wish I actually had been here for the class discussions, I would love to talk about everything I've been reading.

Combat class is getting better. I'll be partnered with Ororo, and know that I feel pretty good about the control and no one getting *really* hurt, it's a great way to just...lose yourself in the pure physicality and dancing of acting and reacting.

Speaking of dancing, at the circus meeting tonight, I discovered that x_dazzler and I share a love of dancing. We may have to cut the rug sometime soon.

Oh! The circus meeting! Thanks for coming, everyone. I'm really excited, and have already started putting you on teams. I haven't finalized, but off the top of my head, Sarah and Jamie, get with me to plan a time to start learning to juggle, Jubilee, I want you to start on swinging trapeze, and Ororo, we already discussed when we're practicing double trapeze.

The rest of you, I've got to put you on teams. Also, Allison, the next time I see the Professor, or Scott I'll ask about ordering a web when we order juggling clubs and rosin, okay?

To reiterate what I said at the meeting, I just want to remind everyone that I'm teaching you circus to share something I love with you, and it's for fun, so don't worry too much about if you feel like you're not a star right away, it takes practice. Safety is the most important thing. I'll be teaching you guys the safety precautions necessary for your acts as we meet up in small groups, but remember that safety is the most important thing. And then the dress code. Guys, if you will be upside down, go shirtless and wear relatively close fitting shorts. I'm not asking you to wear the x-team gear, but keep your activity in mind. Catchers, I'm sorry, but you need calf-length spandex. Ladies, I suggest you go on a little shopping trip for spandex too, because it's your new best friend. You might feel silly, but I assure you, it protects your modesty more than take away from it. Wear either a spandex sport top or tuck in your shirt.

Can't wait to start practicing with everyone!

I was sore from combat class when I woke up on Thursday, which has made me even more determined to start doing some circus stuff here. Piotr and I went to the gym after Lorna and I went to mass, and I started teaching him to catch, just how to swing and lock, and that sort of thing. He can probably start practicing with me pretty soon, but the other new flyers will have to learn how to fall before learning to be caught.

But before they learn to fall, they have to show up and get acts! I was thinking that everyone who wants to give this a go (and I know who you are, and will be after you) should have a meeting, so I can tell you about the different acts, and put you together with teams. So how does sometime this week sound? If after dinner on Monday is good with you, comment here.

Friday was....full of drama. I mean, I grew up with performers, and they were never like this. The circus people....we all grew up with the knowledge that we were a small group of people who knew *everything* about each other's lives from living in such close quarters but that we had to stay together, regardless. So you learn to either make sure what you're doing is worth the risk of upheaval, or you don't do it.

I was planning on going to the amusement park with everyone else, but as events unfolded, I was feeling less and less inclined to spend a day with the soap opera cast, so when Ororo told me she was spending the day at the mansion, I offered to stay with her.

( I had a great day )

As if training in the gym wasn't hard enough on my muscles, and combat didn't test my endurance. Then my psychic class wears my mind out. And now the strain is on another level too.

What am I thinking sometimes? When I started getting my tatoos, and disfiguring myself with the scars, one part of my mind said how cool it would be to have the communion of saints with me at all times.

And another part kept saying that I really couldn't get any uglier to begin with, so why not?

Now, these many lines run across most of my body. My arms, legs, torso, chest, even my face. But the meaning behind them, running underneath the skin....my faith has changed me much more than any ink or knife.

I told Ororo I would join her team. Maybe that's why I'm here, maybe that's why God brought me to this point.

But I don't think my purpose is to fight. I think my purpose is to love, and to heal. But while my scars are on the surface, I think most of the others have wounds hidden from human eyes.

So how do you heal the pain of people who pretend not to be hurting, on the inside?

I can't believe I haven't posted in nearly a week. The mansion has been so busy, with classes, peachy smelling Piotr, meeting Sarah and Lorna and Allie....I don't think I can even remember what all has happened.

The only thing I remember from Wednesday was picking out some clothes with Ororo from some magazine, which I hope get here soon, because no one here is quite my size. What can I say, I have the build of an acrobat, and the likes of you lot do not.

I also had a midnight oatmeal/porridge session with Rahne, who seems to be a very nice girl. I'm glad I had the chance to talk to her.

On Thursday I went to the gym and continued working on my flying rig. I think it's almost ready for someone else to try. Maybe Warren could be my test subject, because if it doesn't work, he can fly anyway. And then I could teach Sam or Piotr to catch, they've got the builds for that. Scott could probably be a good flyer too. Bobby seems like he could do double trap with Kitty.....or Kitty and Jubilee could do it together, that could work.

And now I've given everyone teams for acts, having only built the most basic flying rig....

I'm not really used to the activity that seems on the verge of chaotic at all times here, and so I get easily tired by the constant hijinks. To be sure, circus people aren't exactly tame, but the level of energy is a constant, and here it seems to shift and change like the sands in an hourglass.

Then on Saturday morning I woke up to the scream of my newly blue roommate. Once he calmed down enough to realize it was some kind of practical joke (and jokers beware, I will have my revenge for this, upheaval in my room) and getting dressed to go riding. We went to the stables and saddled up the horses, and I pretended to be a cowboy until I nearly choked on the straw I was chewing. Sam showed me most of the mansion's grounds from horseback. It was nice to be on a horse again, I didn't realize how much I had missed it.

By the time we got back, preperations for the barbecue had already begun. I went to get ready, and by the time I had gotten out of the shower, everyone was pretty much downstairs. I saw Jubilee and Siryn and Rahne, and I finally met Allison, who I'm afraid didn't get the best impression, I nearly tripped over my tail. Oh well, living in close quarters with all these people I'm sure I'll see them all at their best and worst fairly quickly. I saw Ororo too, trying to look appropriately adult, but having quite a bit of fun. :) I met....or rather put names, faces, and journals together for a bunch of you. Eventually the festivities turned into a concert with Allie and Sam taking turns singing. Allie was wonderful and Sam was.....entertaining....in his own way. Then Jubilee did some really awesome fireworks. After the show, I saw Sarah's message and saw that her light was still on, so I went to her dorm, and we talked for a while. I think with the support of the community, she'll do very well here indeed. Don't let her try to manipulate you into believing she's anything less than a lovely and caring young lady.

On Sunday morning I took one of the image inducers and went to mass. I felt much more comfortable than last weekend, and more confident in it than I was on Tuesday when we went to pick up Rahne. So I took communion this week, which made me feel much better. Seeing the Liturgy of the Eucharist is just.....a miracle. I came back to the mansion and spent most of the day reading in the library. I've been trying to read what Ororo's class is discussing so I'll know what's going on, but having not had the benefit of discussion all along...I'm having trouble finding all the nuances on my own. After eating dinner with Sam, I went and watched some of the Quantum Leap marathon with the gang.

Sam went out with Piotr to see The Matrix the other night, which they were really excited about, and despite their explanations, I remain confused. Agents, telephones, changing bodies....I don't think I want to know. Apparently they ended up seeing Down With Love, which was no less confusing, something about a man's man about town, red hair, and really long socks. He was acting a little strange when he came home but maybe he was just tired.

Tired. Like I am now. I've spent all day either in my room or the gym, and I think I'm ready for dinner and bed, unless Allie wants to take me up on my offer of coffee. Allie?

This morning I woke up early, and used this computer to look up the closest church. I wasn't sure if it was okay to leave without telling anyone or not, and I know if the Professor really wanted to stop me he could, so I left without telling anyone. I've been borrowing clothes from everyone anyway, since I only came here with the clothes on my back, so I just borrowed some slacks, a turtleneck and gloves.

The church was newer, one of those light and airy ones with the abstract stained glass and stations. I prefer the dark gothic architecture, and had never seen this sort of church until coming to the U.S.

The readings today really made me think about being here, and what it means. I never imagined being away from the circus, pantomiming a demon on a trapeze, and now my life has just been turned upside down. Like Paul. In today's reading the apostles couldn't believe he had gone from the persecutor to speaking out for Christ. After Christ revealed Himself to Paul, Paul didn't struggle, he just started preaching. Maybe I should do the same thing. Now that I'm here, I have to just....try to fit in, start adjusting to a different life.

I left early, after the Gospel. I couldn't bear to watch the consecration, knowing that I couldn't participate in the Eucharist. Sitting in the back of a half-filled morning mass is one thing, but being inches away from a priest who has never seen someone like me before....well, it's not really a risk I could take. Maybe the Professor could talk to a local priest or something, and once they met me, and I could tell them how I know the catechism, and I've had First Communion, they wouldn't mind.

When I got back, everyone seemed very somber, in different ways. Some people were trying to cover it, and some were coping by comforting those who were more open. With Jean's memorial service tonight, it was on pretty much everyone's mind. I didn't know her, but I've been dedicating my nightly rosary to her. Having shown such self-sacrifice....I doubt she needs many of my prayers.

The memorial was very informal, but heartfelt. There is no doubt the staff and students loved her a great deal. I wish I could do something more for them, but unless juggling is a cure all for grieving.....I can only keep them in my thoughts and prayers.

I met a man named Professor Xavier today, he brought me to my new room and gave me this journal, suggesting I use it to get my thoughts out.

I sat down a few hours ago but so much was going on inside that I decided I needed to be alone. I went to the roof to say a rosary. I thought a reflection on the passion of Christ might help me relate to what these people are going through. That gave me some peace, but this whole thing is so far beyond my comprehension. This school, these people, their world...it just seems so foreign. Even more than when I came to America, because at least then I was still with people I knew.

The past few days have been a blur, and before that....I don't even know how long I've been gone, been under that man's control.

So much of this I really can't even comprehend.

Professor Xavier has offered to let me stay here as long as I like, and I have no where else to go, so I suppose I'll be here and learn more about this place and the people. Ororo is giving me a tour tomorrow, so I guess I should go to sleep, if it will come.